Seven years: that's how long I have been blogging my experiences with MS.
In all that time, I have never felt the fatigue that I have now.
Bright, clever and cheery. Boy was I suckered in. Seventeen years ago, I was a much younger woman. The first attack really flattened me, but not for long. I quickly shortened a 2-3 week hospital stay to five days. My neuro was amazed and admiring.
The ensuing years repeated that pattern. An attack, some Solumedrol, and maybe a new maintenance drug: I always landed on my feet, able to return to work, even after some really nasty tailspins that left me flat-out for weeks.
Somehow, I knew that this attack, now two years ago, was different.
Of course, I had aged a decade and a half. And every single exacerbation had left a scar and further disability. Ah, but I always returned to work, chipper and enthusiastic. Bring it! That was my motto.
Now I feel the mind-numbing fatigue and aches, the fall-inducing limp and foot-drop, and of course, the whiny, weepy, throat-choking emotional swings. Oh yes, I've gotten older, but the Multiple Sclerosis has also matured.
Typing creates stupid problems with the keyboard, sending the cursor up to the previous paragraphs, and inserting my thoughts where they don't belong. Even just sitting brings a clearer understanding of the damage to the nerves in my feet and legs. Any fatigue will double my vision and lessen my hearing. And there are days when I am so tired of living that I'm ready to join my ancestors in the Big Sleep: the very same feeling my 82-year-old mother relates to me over the phone.
Yeah, the cheeriness may return with the Spring, and the fatigue is being eased by my loyal kid, VeggiGirl. She is a God-send, just as my two youngest brothers are there for my aging, ailing parents. VeggiGirl, Husband RJ and I are there for my 82-year-old mother-in-law, and don't think I'm not aware of how draining all THAT is.
So a very humble apology is appropriate here: I am very, very sorry if any of my posts left ANYONE feeling as if they were not doing enough, despite their illness. And sorry if my chatter made anyone jealous and feeling blue or worse yet, guilty.
Time and Multiple Sclerosis have caught up with me. Everyone says better days are coming, because MS progresses less when age wears down the immune system. Well, apparently 58 years is not enough age for that just yet.
And please forgive me if this post is a downer. Spring is here, and better days are coming.